Saturday, April 19, 2008

soul crusher

New tip for the day:

For the sake of your own sanity, when the person you have been lusting after and openly flirting with for like, a month, tells you that P.S. I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP and I have been for like, um, 8 fucking years, you should go ahead and not sleep with that person because that sucks. And you're not going to be any happier, and you might want to kill yourself 100% of the time after that because it was so great and you know you're never going to get it again. And how could you ever be happy again and isn't it funny how that festering open wound where your heart used to be just throbs and is a constant reminder about how bad everything sucks in the world.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Another Tip

Do not immediately cease all physical activity upon graduation from High School while simultaneously adding 75% more cheese to your diet and expect to maintain your hot bod.

By the way, did I tell you that I'm doing 2 5K's this month and a 5-mile leg of a marathon at the beginning of next month? Exercise is the shit, kids! It makes you feel goooooooood.

Also, I'm thinking strongly about getting some medication for my insanity. Pending development...

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Warning to Others, Part One


Recently I have come to realize that not only have I wasted my life so far, but that I have completely screwed up just about everything I've ever done. Like, maintain a relationship of any sort, for example. Or, spend my free time usefully instead of checking my email 650 times a day. Or staring at my cell phone, thinking about a time when it rang once, and someone wanted to talk to me. And how, shortly thereafter, I said or did something stupid, and then that person didn't want to talk to me any more. Repeat over a course of 25 years, and you have my life in a nutshell.

So I've decided that I should try to help other people not make the same mistakes that I have. So from here on out, or at least until I get bored with it, I am going to tell you about things I have done with my life in hopes that you will learn NOT TO DO THAT.

A warning about birthdays and friendships:

If all of your friends happen to forget your 16th birthday, for the love of god, don't sulk silently about it all day, vow to never speak to any of them again, and then a week later send a scathing letter to them about how much they suck as friends. They will not want to talk to you any more after that.