Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Charmie's Olde Tyme Year End Revue

Well, it's that time again, to review the best and the worst of 2008. Unfortunately, I have a memory like a sieve and can barely remember what I did yesterday, let alone last January, but I'm going to give it a go for all the nones of you out there reading my blog.

Let's see...in the early months of 2008 I was doing a lot of working out and hanging out because I was training for a marathon. So I got a gym membership and started getting fit.

In February I had a boyfriend until the end of the month, and I also had a rather feverish crush on someone and was flirting a lot. Broke up with the boyfriend after he spent a night calling me over and over when I was trying to sleep and one of his friends mentioned something about him buying a ring.

March was uneventful other than I finally got to go out with the crush, which was one of the best nights of my life, followed by months of trying to get back to that which resulted in a rather deep depression for the next 6 months.

April, I don't think anything happened in April. I was just an asshole to everyone around me.

May was my marathon and I ran the wrong way for over a mile. It was fun but I wish I could have helped my team out a little more. May was also the end of the school year, and the party where I threw up over the side of the boat, passed out and was left for dead, woke up and did some bad things, went back to bed and started hating myself and everyone else.

June was good, no school, got on some antidepressants and finally started to act like a human being again. Laid around the pool and did not much else.

July and August was more of the same, pool, golf, and drinking. Somewhere in there I was informed that I was no longer going to be working at my old job, and that just pissed me off all over again.

September and October I started going to school for a new teaching license, to get Special Education and hopefully a real live job someday.

In November I passed my Praxis and got three A's and an A- in my classes. Thanksgiving was fun, and I did my first ever babysitting gig and only had to change one pee-diaper and all was right with the world.

December was probably the best month of this year. I made several new friends, and one best friend. I get to hang out with her and her family all the time and they make me happy. I had an excellent Christmas and hopefully a good New Year.

My resolutions for the new year are to once again get in shape for the marathon, only this time I'm going to do the half with my mom. Resolution two is to try to make some more connections and try harder to see the good in people. I let someone break me this year and I'm still recovering from that heart smashing blow, but I think I'm almost there and I'm ready to start anew.

What are your resolutions?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

shiny new president

so....awesome. my vote for president actually worked this time. and also: it wasn't raining and freezing cold for the first election day in a long time! i think that was a sign of the hope that was to come.

in other news, i have a seriously terrible sinus infection. someone punched me in the face, i think. my face kinda feels like i slammed it in a door a few times. and the really fun part is, it's moved into my eye! woooooooooooooooooo. nothing like a weeping eye filled with gunk to spice up an otherwise boring, tedious, and completely uninteresting election day (ha, ha. a joke, for you, my one reader).

so, i broke down and called the doctor, and somehow they diagnosed me over the phone, and i'm going soon to pick up some prescription and eyedrops which i bet will be a ball of laughs. also, i have class tonight, so i'm thinking maybe i'll wear an eyepatch or something, and declare it pirate day.

either that or i'm totally wearing a hat all ghetto-tastic tilted to the side to cover this abomination. here is a graphic re-enactment of my eye's downward spiral, because i won't subject you to the horror that would be an actual picture of it. and plus i don't feel like taking a picture of it. and also plus, the picture i drew is gross enough.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008

since it's 17 to 26 in t-minus 3:20

It's almost my birthday, where almost means in 2 1/2 weeks, so I made an iphone wallpaper to celebrate the occasion. Feel free to use it up.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


i'm struggling to write a paper for one of my grad school classes because i had a lot to drink last night and my head is a little fuzzy, so i thought i would take this opportunity to share with all of you the highlights of my recent trip to new york city. all the pictures can be found in the flickr feed to the right.

  • throwing up on the bus on the way there because i took 2 tylonol p.m. and mixed that with some mojito on an empty stomach. bonus: i swallowed it back down. that was gross.
  • figuring out the subway system, and using the gps on my iphone to track our progress as we walked toward destinations. that little blue dot was really helpful!
  • eating the best pizza i've ever had in my life at arturo's in soho, although our waitress was a bit grumpy and we sat next to some asshats who tried to make fun of me when i was 1 1/2 feet away from them. idiots.
  • drinking wine in little italy at lunchtime, and laughing for a good 5 minutes about something i can't even remember, and i'm not sure i even knew what i was laughing about then, either
  • riding a tiny child's bicycle at fao shwartz, and playing on the big piano
  • seeing kelly ripa jogging in the park, and george hamilton leaving the today show
  • making new friends
  • kissing some random indian man at a pub on the last night there
  • getting molested by the naked cowboy in times square
all in all, it was an awesome time. i can't wait to see the pictures the others took.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

new york, new york

I'm leaving for new york in 4 minutes. I'll post pictures and hilarious tales of hilarity when I return. Probably.

Friday, October 3, 2008

A title would go here if I could be bothered writing one

So...haven't had much to say lately. I've been working almost every day, and going to school three nights a week. In other words, I am the walking dead. I also haven't had a drink in 21 days, and I keep telling everyone this like I'm in AA or something. Anyways, here's some boring fact friday for you.

FACT: I once ran the wrong way for about a mile in a marathon, because it was split in the middle between half marathons and whole marathons, and no one bothered to tell me that I was going the wrong direction despite literally hundreds of people standing around who WORKED AT THE MARATHON. I actually stopped running, jogged backwards and asked someone, who shrugged and said, "yeah, you are going the wrong way." and went back to what they were doing, which was standing around watching people run by. So then I had to run full-tilt back to the splitting point and still managed to catch up with someone I started with. It was a relay and everyone was disappointed that I didn't make up for the earlier leg's lost time.

FACT: I still made really good time, considering the extra whole mile I ran.

FACT: No one seemed to care about that at all.

FACT: The other day I was lifting some 10 pound weights over my head to work the back of my arms, and somehow managed to bring the dumbbell down upon the top of my skull with such force that someone on the phone across the room stopped mid-sentence to ask if I was ok because it made such a loud whomp.

FACT: It really hurt a lot.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

why is it always my fault?

It is, you know. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it's always my fault. You walked past me and didn't say anything, then you asked me if I was grouchy, because I didn't speak. Yesterday you didn't even say hello, and that was ok, but if I don't speak, it's because I don't like you. What's that about?

And then I came home, and someone else got mad at me. I wasn't happy enough when you told me to do something. I wasn't jumping for joy or whatever the hell else you wanted me to do when you told me to stay home 3 days in a row for you, to do you a "favor", so then you got pissed at me and haven't spoken to me for 2 days.

It's always my fault. I'm tired of it always being my fault.

Monday, September 22, 2008

YouTube has melted my brain

Here are two YouTube videos that I watch over and over and laugh and laugh, and they are both completely stupid and pointless and the second one really should be evaluated by a professional mental health care worker, but I like them. And so what is mine is yours. Enjoy!

Honorable mention: MANtage by BaratsandBerata

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Mighty Life List

Here are 58 things (and counting) that I would like to accomplish with my life before it's over. It's a fairly trivial list, but I have been leading a trivial life. I wish I could say I've made a difference in someone's life, but I feel for the most part I have only brought pain and strife.

I have been making more of an effort to be a better person, someone that I would be proud of, and someone who puts others first. I don't know exactly what I'm doing here, and I feel pretty lost most of the time. All I know for sure is that I'm tired of feeling worthless and like the world would be better without me in it. I need to figure out who I am, I need to figure out what will make me happy and get out there and do it. I want to be important to someone, I want someone to remember my name. I wish I could figure out how.

I'm 25 years old, and I don't have the slightest clue what to do with my life. I don't know who I can love, I don't know who I can trust. Things are so irreversibly complicated and I almost feel that I can't keep my head above water. I want to run away and live in a shack in the mountains and just be alone. It seems no one understands me, no one can see who I am. I sound so emo bullshit right now, but I'm crying out to strangers to help me find some way to figure out who I am.

Anyway, on to my list. What do you want to do with your life?

Ø Go to Disney World again

Ø Ride in a hot air balloon

Ø Win a major award

Ø Go into space

Ø Be the change I want to see in the world

Ø Be a leader

Ø Be elected to some public office

Ø Successfully re-pot a plant FOR ONCE

Ø Ride a horse

Ø Travel overseas.

Ø Get a teaching job

Ø See the Grand Canyon

Ø Go back to Cali

Ø Walk the whole Golden Gate Bridge

Ø Picnic in the Redwoods

Ø Touch an elephant

Ø See a volcano in Hawaii

Ø Get a hole in one at golf

Ø Go to the Memorial tournament

Ø Run the whole time in a 5K.

Ø Run the Flying Pig again

Ø Go to Vegas

Ø Learn Spanish

Ø Make a difference

Ø Fall in love

Ø Get my master's degree

Ø Learn how to putt

Ø Ride a motorcycle

Ø Waterski

Ø Parasail.

Ø Ride a four wheeler on a beach

Ø Go on a cruise

Ø Go spelunking

Ø Climb a mountain

Ø Go hiking

Ø Go to an Ohio State football game

Ø Learn how to fly a plane

Ø Ride in a helicopter

Ø Find a friend I can count on

Ø Buy a new car.

Ø Get my own place

Ø Bowl another 200 game

Ø Get a golf score in the 30's OMG 7/23 I shot a 36!

Ø Start the lawnmower by myself

Ø Go on a roadtrip

Ø Be on Jeopardy!

Ø Watch a Broadway show

Ø Go to NYC at New Year

Ø Survive NYC at New Year.

Ø Run the Ecothon

Ø Fly a kite

Ø Find myself

Ø Regrow my tiny heart

Ø Volunteer

Ø Sky dive

Ø Learn to dance

Ø Build something.

Ø Travel to all 50 states

Free Hugs

I just want everyone to know that I am, and have always been, pro-hug.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Whitening Follies

So, I'm pretty into me. I'm more into me than anyone else, which is fine. Anyway, part of me being into me is my fantastically white teeth. You might think I was born with these pearly whites, and you would be right. However, I like to touch up now and then with some chemical enhancements (I'm sorry, am I still talking about teeth whiteners?)

So, I'm going to share with you, while I sit here with my Crest Whitestrip on my teeth. I don't like Crest Whitestrips.

At all.

For one, they're expensive. More than anything else, for whatever reason. And secondly, they're messy. You have to peel the little plastic strip from the little plastic other strip. And I don't have much in the way of fingernails because I enjoy them often as a tasty afternoon snack. So I end up mushing the end of the Whitestrip all to hell just trying to get it off the thing it's already on.

Then you have to mash this little thin piece of plastic onto your teeth while trying to keep your lips out of the way, which I failed to do, and now my lips are tingling, and not in a good way (I'm sorry, still talking about teeth?)

And then there's the taste. Barf. Blech. Boo and hiss and much knashing of teeth. Gross, in a word. And also, apparently it's going to take me 2 times a day and 5 days to see any results. WTF.

Aquafresh White Trays, on the other hand, are easier to put on, easier to get out of the package, taste better, work in only 3 days, and are in general, much more awesome. And your teeth can be as magnificently white as mine.

SO, the point is, when you're whitening your teeth, don't use Crest Whitestrips. Instead, use Aquafresh White Trays! They're better.

You'll feel just like this when you're done.

P.S. I've got a whole box of Crest Whitestrips, if anyone out there wants them for a discounted price of $480 (approx. half off) . Not that you would.

Monday, August 18, 2008

hey guys! guys! hey look over here! guys!

Well...I've recently figured out (albeit very slowly - I am denser than many industrial brick walls) that if I want to become an international blog sensation, and make a living off my blog and not have to go out and get a job slinging burgers and pancakes at Denny's, that I probably need to put a little more effort into the whole blog thing.

Unfortunately, I don't think a lot of people want to read about the 2 hours I lay in the pool followed by the eating of lunch and the 12 hours I spend sitting in front of the computer followed by the 10 hours spent lying in my bed in a coma. That sounds like it could possibly win an award for Most Boring Blog in the History of Blogs, but that's not really what I'm going for. Although maybe I should just stick to what I know.

Well anyway, I'm going out now and lie in the pool for an hour or two and really do some in-depth thinking about how to make this the Most Fantastic Blog in at Least the Last 15 Minutes. Any tips, leave 'em in the comments. I love me some comments.

Friday, August 8, 2008

A light at the end of the tunnel

So, some changes have been going on around here, and some more changes are to come. The biggest change lately has been that I no longer want to kill myself. I spent a good deal of time after graduating from college completely miserable with life. I went through a painful break-up, and I couldn't find a job. I subbed for a year, and then I found a permanent sub job.

At my new job, I made several friends and one person who basically turned my world upside down. I'm pretty sure I fell in love. And then...it was over. And I was still left twisting in the wind of the tornado that ripped through my whole existence. I really wanted to die all the time. I used to punch myself as hard as I could in the leg, just because I was so angry and frustrated.

Finally, I decided, something has got to change, and I made a doctor's appointment asked someone else to make a doctor's appointment for me because I'm scared of the phone. Anyway, I went to the doctor. He asked me if I cried a lot. Pretty much every day I cried. He asked me if I was "bitchy" lol. To put it lightly. After a few more questions, we decided I was pretty depressed and probably needed some medicine.

That was 2 months ago, and I'm feeling much better. My world is still pretty confusing, but I don't hit myself anymore, and I don't want to die all the time. I'm still pretty sad that things didn't go as I'd hoped with that special person, but I'm dealing. I can use the phone now and actually have made more phone calls in the past month than I have in probably the last 5 years. It's very freeing, and I wonder what took me so long to seek help.

I encourage all of you out there to stop waiting, if you're feeling depressed, like you're worthless or whatever, go talk to a doctor. You might not need medication, you might just need someone to talk to, but don't just sit around being miserable. It's not worth it.

In other news, I am officially unemployed again, for reasons I don't know and don't care to find out, so I will be subbing around again. I'm looking forward to seeing some of my old friends from student teaching and getting my face out there to other districts. I'm heartbroken that I won't get to see all the people I got to know last year, and I won't get to follow the same kids, but in reality, it wasn't the best thing for me to be doing, and it's going to be ok.

I'll also be going back to school in the fall, to get a special education degree. There's actually a shortage of those, as opposed to the teeming barrel of early education teachers around here, so I might have a better shot at a job when I'm through. So that's encouraging. Still have a few weeks until subbing starts, over a month before mine will begin again, and I'm trying to fill that time with sun, drinks, and whatever fun I can get into. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Is it ironic?

To consider committing a crime in order to pay for all the background checks necessary to obtain teacher licensure?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A glass (or four) of wine and some reflection

So I'm sitting here drinking my homemade sangria and thinking about my day. On the whole, it was a good day. I went out to lunch at a local winery, did a wine tasting, had some wine, ate some lunch, had some more wine, ate a bunch of breadsticks dipped in herbs and oil, and...did I mention the wine? Pretty much any day with wine is a good day. Anyways, after the wine, I mean lunch, I played 18 holes of golf at a beautiful course and had a good time.

Until, I got.....the phone call. THE call I've been waiting for/dreading for a while now. The call from my (ex) boss, who said, "P.S. we're not having you back this year. But....I'm not going to tell you why right now, if you want to know why, you can go ahead and come in to the office tomorrow or sometime this week and I'll tell you face to face. And have a nice life, hope your house burns down and all your valuables perish, love xoxo, Not Your Boss Anymore."

Anyway, so I was on about the 4th hole of golf, which is coincidentally right about the time my game went down to the local bar and started chugging everything in sight, and spent the rest of the round hugging the toilet and praying for a swift end. Anyway, so I stopped keeping score. And I threw a club, and I pounded the ground, and I was sad.

And now I'm having some more wine, and I've decided that while it sucks big time, and "whatever!! their loss!!", and I did say a few choice words to the phone after I hit end call, and I really am going to miss some of the people there, even after all this, I think maybe it will be o.k.

Maybe I will just go back to school and do something else and party it up like it's 1999 and work when I want to and not work when I don't and turn around and show that ex boss who's really boss. In her dumb air conditioned office.

Monday, August 4, 2008

A day in the life...

So, my life is very boring. I think it's why I have nothing to write about. I don't have friends, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a job, I don't have kids, I don't have any meaningful hobbies, I don't volunteer, and I don't get together with my family. I don't do anything.

Many times, I'll get ready for bed and realize that I have done absolutely nothing of value all day. I didn't wash the dishes, I didn't clean my room, I din't do the laundry, I forget if I fed the cat, I didn't throw out all the trash accumulating on my desk, I didn't pick up my shoes, I didn't vacuum out the pool, I didn't look for a job, I didn't call a friend, I didn't make that appointment, I didn't go outside, I didn't update a website, I wasn't nice to my brother, I missed the eclipse, I didn't make a healthy lunch, I didn't go to the bank, I didn't return my library books.

This summer, I have not: gone on a trip, washed my car, made any friends, gotten a job, read a book, or maintained a relationship.

This summer, I have managed to: alienate most of the people I want to be friends with, treated a least two guys like dirt, felt sorry for myself, laid around, drank too much, sat in front of the computer way too much, gotten really tan, and played golf.

Soon, the summer will be over. I'm going to be going back to school in the fall since I am apparently completely incapable of getting a job with the degree I have, and I certainly hope no one asks me what I did this summer.

I did...nothing.

All I ever do is nothing. I like nothing. I like not having friends. I like not having to call anyone or not having to worry about anyone but me, because worrying about me takes up the majority of my time. On the other hand, I want friends and I want someone to love so badly that I literally have pain in my chest where my heart should be. I wish I knew how to do it. I don't know how to be a friend, no matter how hard I try, I always end up ruining it. Is there some kind of sad, pathetic kindergarten for adults where people who are socially hopeless can go and learn how to play nice with people and keep a friend around for a while? I really, really need it.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Fun Fact Friday

Here it is, Friday again! Here's a rundown of everything I've done this week, just to keep all the ones of you out there not reading this about all the many activities I've been doing.
Saturday: sat around
Sunday: sat around
Monday: sat around
Tuesday: sat around
Wednesday: sat around and then played golf
Thursday: sat around and then played golf
Friday: sat around

...I know, I know. You're jealous of my action-packed existence. It's truly mind-boggling how many things I can pack into a day, and not everyone can be so fortunate. Anyway, since I do have just a few minutes of free time, I thought I would entertain with a few fun facts for Friday.

* I have often been known to look at myself in the mirror and rave about how fantastic my own hair looks. I have an unhealthy love for my hair and I'm not afraid to let everyone know that mine's just a little better than everyone else's.

*I love elephants. If something has an elephant on it, I'll probably buy it. I sure hope no one ever puts an elephant on that bridge everyone's always trying to sell.

*The only memory of kindergarten I have is this: it was story time and everyone was gathered around the teacher on the carpet, and I really, really had to pee. Except I was scared to get up, because I knew that everyone would know I was going to the bathroom, and so I sat for a long, long time weighing my options. Could I make it to the end of the story, and while in the confusion of transition from carpet to seat I could slip into the bathroom unnoticed? Would it be better to sit here and pee myself? I finally decided I couldn't wait anymore and I got up and went. And in my mind I can still see the stall and remember that I was silently hoping no one could hear me pee. What a strange thing to remember.

*I used to think it was great fun to sit in the middle of a busy road and pop the tar bubbles that would rise up on hot summer days. Obviously I was not under the most attentive supervision at that particular location. While there, I also enjoyed climbing trees with power lines running through them, riding my bike far past the arbitrary radius normally set by my mother, throwing old records against a wall and watching them break into 50 pieces, and exploring old abandoned buildings. It's a miracle I survived.

*My brother and I invented a game where we would chase each other through the four upstairs rooms in our childhood home. When the first person ran into a room, they slammed the door as hard as they could behind them before the other person could get in. I was 4 and he was 8. Being 4, my head was right about the same level as the glass doorknobs that were attached to each of these doors that we were slamming. I think you can see where I'm going with this. Let's just say mom's episode of Dynasty was interrupted by a crying, bloody child and a trip to the emergency room. I personally think it was a little more exciting then the normal Krystal v. Alexis slap fight that usually went on.

Sunday, July 6, 2008


Go see it if you like blood and gore and stuff. Like shooting through someone's head and then using their lifeless body as a shield while continuing to shoot through their head at other people's heads. Just make sure you don't eat a spaghetti dinner immediately before or afterwards.

Saturday, July 5, 2008


Go see it, it's pretty funny.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

charmie's heart

As many of you have undoubtedly heard from me countless times, I have a tiny, black, icy heart. Because I was bored today while painting at granny's for approx. 126 years, I decided the best way to show you all the relative size of my tiny, black, icy, dead heart is to compare it with other hearts of the world. So here is my heart-o-graph, in the interest of heart science and whatnot.

100 -

Jesus, and

Ghandi, who wants you to be the change you seek in the world, and

Mother Teresa


nuns, especially flying or singing ones.

Then you have your more run of the mill hearts, like:
85 -

Angelina Jolie, she adopts all those kids and gives away all that money, plus she and Brad are so damn hot it's like a gift to the rest of humanity that we get to see their mugs everytime we turn around.

Andrew Carnegie, he also gave lots of money and he wrote a very interesting book that taught all kinds of hapless social outcasts how to get people to like them and that's pretty nice.

Oprah Winfrey. Have you seen the way people react when she just says the words, "Favorite Things?" And plus she gives away all kinds of crap and started a school in Africa and she's an inspiration to people and blah blah blah

There are more good hearts out there, like

Warren Buffet, rich guy who pretty much gives all his money away


Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He was all like, "Let's Work This Civil Rights Thing Out, Man" and PEOPLE LISTENED

Princess Diana. Girlfriend was tired of people getting blown up by landmines and used her position to raise awareness about it. Also she raised two FINE looking sons who continued her philanthropic ways after she was gone.


Harriet Tubman. She saved all kinds of people from slavery, risking her own life countless times!


Carebears, especially this one with the big heart on it. Look at that bear. It has four hearts on it. Can you compete with that?

58 1/2-

Glenda the Good Witch. She'd be rated higher if she'd just told Dorothy earlier about that whole magical ruby slippers thing instead of making her traipse around Oz forever hanging with misfits and mauling witches and then waiting until she'd missed the baloon and was all upset and then casually mentioning that she could have gone home any time just by tapping her feet together. charmie would have kicked Glenda right in her fairy butt if she'd faced scary flying monkeys and hosed down a perfectly innocent witch for no reason.


Louie the Lightning Bug, has surely saved countless Little Jimmys from flying their kites into power lines, Uncle Bills from putting that metal ladder up RIGHT NEXT to the power lines, and Shady Cousin Stanleys from electrocuting themselves while trying to strip the copper wiring from the children's home.


McGruff, the Crime Dog, who actively encourages you to bite people in the name of justice.


Smokey the Bear who KNOWS IT WAS YOU that was playing with matches and burned down the orphanage, and HE SAW YOU leaving your campfire smoldering while you drove away in search of an all-night convenience store which resulted in the desforesation of western Colorado. Smokey doesn't think you're very responsible in the area of fire saftey but wants you to know that he's going to go ahead and let you be the master of your own destiny. Only you can prevent forest fires. P.S. Smokey's staying at your place until he can get a new forest to live in, cool bro? You got like, any chips or anything?


That crying Indian wants you to know that while he enjoys the unique mesquite that your discarded batteries and pop cans give the salmon in the river that he depends on to feed his family, he'd appreciate it if you'd go ahead and use one of those fancy modern GARBAGE CANS YOU IGNORANT TOOL.


Santa Claus. You know he didn't bring you that chemistry set you wanted in 1976, but you probably would have burned a hole in the floor with it anyway. You did get a nice BB gun with which you shot out your eye and then you got a fancy glass one which all the chicks totally dug in junior high. Go Santa.


Grandma. She gives you presents and bakes you cookies and makes you chicken noodle soup every day after school and you watch Unsolved Mysteries and Golden Girls together. Occasionally she scolds you for using unladylike language and for your terrible posture and for being a crackwhore.


Jim Tressel, beloved coach and boyfriend of me who has OWNED PNWED and otherwise BEATEN HANDILY those chodes from up north ever since he set foot on the field.

Ok, so all good people, huh? Let's keep going, we're not to me yet:




The Grinch who stole Christmas. His heart was only 3 sizes too small. Of course he did relent and was swayed by the innocent, doe-eyed Whos BUT THIS HOMEY AIN'T FALLIN FOR THAT JAZZ

5 1/2-

Eric Cartman thinks your mother is so fat, she rolled over and it was a new day.


Katie. Stopping just short of puppy genocide in the name of hideous fashion, here is where my tiny black heart lies. I would like to steal all your Christmas presents and keep them all for myself. And I won't be giving them back like that waffle the Grinch, either. This heart is 12 sizes too small and it's staying that way.


Cruella DeVille, puppy murderer and poster child for not dying your own hair with a kit bought in the clearance section of Walgreen's.

3 1/2-

Scar from the Lion King, brother murderer and mental manipulator of cute little Jonathan Taylor-Thomas voiced Simba


OJ. Have you seen his "acting" in Airplane!? An abomination!

-25 Murderers and people who mess with kids and all that

-57 People like Hitler, etc. etc.

-150 You know, like Satan and stuff

There you have it, a complete heart o graph. I hope you understand now why I shoved your aunt down those stairs and why I gave your young child a drum set with cymbals for his last birthday. I can't help it!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Fun Fact Monday

Because I can't wait 'til Friday to
steal an idea
from someone else, here's a Fun Fact Monday for all the no ones out there reading this.

-When I was in Preschool they taught us about how to dial 911 if ever there is an emergency at home. So you could be one of those toddlers who heroically calls and saves a parent or grandma from a diabetic seizure or choking or a housefire or whatever. ANYWAY, I decided to take the direct opposite approach to being helpful and instead went home and dialed 911 about 5 or 6 times just to check to see if it really worked. Soon, there was someone at the door. Actually, two someones with pretty blue outfits and shiny stuff on their shirts. Oh Shit said my tiny toddler brain. I don't know if I got a certificate on Toddler 911 training but I think I definitely should have had to give it back along with a finger painting on why you shouldn't bother the nice policemen.

-Another time I was outside in the garage and I noticed this metal box on the wall. And inside the box were a bunch of neat looking glass knobby things. And who can resist a glass knobby thing when you're like 5, so I trundle over and unscrew them and played with them for probably all of 3 minutes before getting bored and leaving them wherever but not putting them back. Turns out those were fuses! And the fuses were making that big deep freeze full of preserves and garden produce and A FIVE POUND TURKEY all cold and frosty. Oh, did I mention this was in August? Soon a funk was emanating from the deep freeze. Shortly thereafter a funk was emanating from our trash cans out back. And a funk was emanating from my mother who had to clean all that mess up. Aside from that inconvenience was the very real possibility that I could have been electrocuted.

-I can not bend my pinky finger in such a way that it will go under my thumb so I can make "three" like 99% of the world's population. My index finger won't straighten up. My students have mocked my mercilessly about this all year.

-I have had three cats in my lifetime. Two were black and one is orange and gray. All of them have had names (Panther, Max, and Tigger) and all of them have been called almost exclusively "Kitty". Kitty I didn't have a tail and ran out the back door and was never seen or heard from again. Kitty II met an unfortunate end crossing the road one morning, and Kitty III is missing one of his long fang teeth. Sometimes his lip gets caught on the bottom tooth and it sticks out and he looks like a pirate.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

soul crusher

New tip for the day:

For the sake of your own sanity, when the person you have been lusting after and openly flirting with for like, a month, tells you that P.S. I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP and I have been for like, um, 8 fucking years, you should go ahead and not sleep with that person because that sucks. And you're not going to be any happier, and you might want to kill yourself 100% of the time after that because it was so great and you know you're never going to get it again. And how could you ever be happy again and isn't it funny how that festering open wound where your heart used to be just throbs and is a constant reminder about how bad everything sucks in the world.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Another Tip

Do not immediately cease all physical activity upon graduation from High School while simultaneously adding 75% more cheese to your diet and expect to maintain your hot bod.

By the way, did I tell you that I'm doing 2 5K's this month and a 5-mile leg of a marathon at the beginning of next month? Exercise is the shit, kids! It makes you feel goooooooood.

Also, I'm thinking strongly about getting some medication for my insanity. Pending development...

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Warning to Others, Part One


Recently I have come to realize that not only have I wasted my life so far, but that I have completely screwed up just about everything I've ever done. Like, maintain a relationship of any sort, for example. Or, spend my free time usefully instead of checking my email 650 times a day. Or staring at my cell phone, thinking about a time when it rang once, and someone wanted to talk to me. And how, shortly thereafter, I said or did something stupid, and then that person didn't want to talk to me any more. Repeat over a course of 25 years, and you have my life in a nutshell.

So I've decided that I should try to help other people not make the same mistakes that I have. So from here on out, or at least until I get bored with it, I am going to tell you about things I have done with my life in hopes that you will learn NOT TO DO THAT.

A warning about birthdays and friendships:

If all of your friends happen to forget your 16th birthday, for the love of god, don't sulk silently about it all day, vow to never speak to any of them again, and then a week later send a scathing letter to them about how much they suck as friends. They will not want to talk to you any more after that.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

snow day

Is there anything that can match the disappointment of thinking you're going to get 4-6 inches of snow overnight and surely not have school the next morning, only to find out several hours later that you're only going to get one inch of snow?

Saturday, February 2, 2008


***Warning: I basically spell out exactly what happens in the movie Cloverfield below. If you don't want the movie ruined for you (anymore than actually watching it will ruin it for you) then don't read this post.***

I went to see Cloverfield: Electric Motion Sickness Boogaloo last weekend. Somehow I escaped without vomiting or getting a headache but I was pretty disappointed. I hear they're making a sequel to it already. I wish they would have just finished the first film so it wouldn't cost another $8 to have any sort of acceptable ending.

I'll go ahead and tell you about the whole movie right here, so if you haven't seen it yet and you're into that sort of thing, like wasting money on stupid crap, you should probably stop reading right here.

Ok so it starts out with 30 minutes of completely unrelated to the rest of the movie backstory about all of the characters in the film. Everyone's at a going away party for someone and there's a bunch of drama about some girl he likes but he was an idiot or something, and they're fighting. Some idiot is videotaping everything for posterity and he's semi-stalking some girl at the party.

Then they're out on the balcony and the one guy is crying because his girl is going out with someone else when there's an earthquake. Everyone decides it would be sweet to go up to the roof and check out the scene, so they do. And of course once they all get up there a bunch of shit comes raining down upon them in the form of fire balls so then they all run outside on the sidewalk to see what's up.

Here's where you get to see the Statue of Liberty's head flying through the air and landing. And all the idiots of New York City, who have learned nothing (NOTHING!) all stand around and take pictures and are completely unconcerned in any way about what might have caused the multiple tons of metal to fly miles and miles through the air.

So then some more stupid crap happens, and a building falls down evoking memories of 911 and there are still people standing around and once the building is down and the dust cloud is gone they all go out and stand in the street and take some more pictures and still no one is running away or even looking scared, like are they bad ASS New Yorkers or what??

Anyway, soon enough the big bad monster comes into sight and finally everyone's kinda like, "well maybe we should start moving away from this" and they all file in an orderly manner onto the Brooklyn Bridge. And somehow the thing comes back and a big ol' tentacle crashes into the bridge and meaningless character 1 dies.

Meaningless character 1's brother and girlfriend are quite distraught and they all turn around and go back to the city and eventually end up in the subway. Where absolutely not one other person is. In a city of millions of people, not one other person had the bright idea to go into the subway, which would presumably be quite a safe place as the monster can't get down there. Anyway, Mostly Main Character is going to go save his girlfriend so they ALL have to go, otherwise the home movie thing isn't going to work at all, so off they all go, down the tracks.

Someone had the forethought to turn off the electrified rails for them, which is quite considerate.

So they're walking along la dee da and the idiot with the camera is being an idiot, and then they see a whole bunch of rats come running at them. And since they have never watched a movie before and have no idea about anything, they don't take the hint that their asses should have been running in the same direction of the rats about 5 minutes ago, they decide to turn on the night vision on the camera.

Well I'm sure you can deduce that some of the monster's little friends are right behind them and as soon as they're noticed proceed to attack the people. They escape with some pretty serious looking injuries which don't bleed nearly as much as one would think they should be and they decide to get the hell out of the subway and go up on the street again.

They go through the still completely empty subway station up to some store where everyone is dead and some army dudes stop them and yell at them for a while and finally they go to the crisis center and they're told they will be evacuated on a helicopter. Mostly Main Character doesn't like the sound of that as his dearly beloved is still trapped in a building uptown. During this one of the other meaningless characters starts bleeding out of her eyes and is whisked away after a series of "A BITE A BITE A BITE" are screamed by all the army people. And she goes behind a curtain and is shot or explodes or something and another one bites the dust.

Now we're down to the mostly main character, meaningless character 1's girlfriend, and the idiot camera guy. They all manage to get to the girl's apartment, climb up like 40 flights of stairs, climb out onto the roof and over to the girl's place which is leaning up against the other building, find her apartment, rescue her. She has been lying for several hours on a metal spike impaled in her chest just above her heart but miraculously is able to get up and run around afterwards like nothing is wrong with her. They get back to the street and the building doesn't even collapse and all my hopes for this movie are dashed.

They all run around for a while, get to the evac site, and meaningless character 1's girlfriend boards a chopper which completely expectedly blows up and she dies after about 30 seconds in the air. The others get on a different chopper and take off and their chopper is hit by the monster who has nothing better to do because he is not getting bombs and missiles and machine guns in his face this whole time. Anyway, the copter crashes.

Soon the indestructible camera comes back on and all the people get out of the helicopter, except the two pilots and everyone who is not already established as a meaningless character. They all run around some more until the monster, who has been following them this whole time because, again, he has nothing more pressing to do, picks up the idiot with the camera and tosses him around a little bit, does not eat him, but instead tosses him onto the ground where you get a shot of his lifeless face on the ground. The others yell at him for a few minutes, have the presence of mind to pick up the camera, and run away.

Now we're left with the mostly main character and his girlfriend and they are huddled under a bridge in Central Park. They hear the sirens that signal the military is about to bomb to crap out of Manhattan, say their goodbyes, and then you see an explosion and the picture goes black.

I would like to know what kind of camera has a light, night vision, the ability to withstand a helicopter crash, and a massive fire bombing and can still be used and viewed afterwards.

So anyway, you don't have any clue what the monster is, where it came from, what happened to it, etc. when the movie ends. Everyone in the theater was like, "huh. well. yeah, I guess that IS the end?" as they were standing up. Some people stayed there like maybe they thought there was more.

In conclusion, I don't recommend that you see Cloverfield. It was like the redheaded stepchild of The Mist and the Blair Witch Project.

Friday, February 1, 2008


I keep having dreams about my phone. In the first dream, I was talking on it and it was getting very hot, and all of a sudden the case was like melting and I took off the battery cover (even though there isn't one) and the battery exploded and the phone caught on fire. And all I could do was point to it with my mouth open.

And then last night I dreamed I was standing on a deck by a river and somehow I dropped the phone off the side of the deck and I basically threw myself after it and while it missed landing in the river, it landed on a bunch of gravel which all scratched and pocked the screen.

I wonder what will happen next?

Also, today I had a snow day and I slept until noon, and then I said I was definitely going to do something constructive today because I never get anything done anymore, and what have I spent the entire day doing? Sitting here on my ass in front of my computer, surfing the internet and playing spider solitaire. I did get up for a brief shower earlier this afternoon, and took several pop cans and water glasses out of the room and threw them away/recycled them. Does that count as constructive? I doubt it.

I have no energy or desire to do anything except sit here and do this!! What is wrong with me? I know I could be out doing something tonight but I've been sitting here thinking up reasons why I should just stay home (the biggest one being because I am a lazy sack of shit). The sad thing is, I'm perfectly content to sit here alone and later I will start drinking alone and I'll listen to my music alone and it will be exactly what I want to be doing.

Friday, January 4, 2008


Ok so I got a new iPhone for Christmas, and the two people I've shown it to have been exactly like, "Oh well aren't you the little dandy" and their exact words both times were, "you're spoiled". And all I can think of to say is this:

I need expensive toys to fill up my empty life. So put a cork in it already.