hey guys! guys! hey look over here! guys!

Well...I've recently figured out (albeit very slowly - I am denser than many industrial brick walls) that if I want to become an international blog sensation, and make a living off my blog and not have to go out and get a job slinging burgers and pancakes at Denny's, that I probably need to put a little more effort into the whole blog thing.

Unfortunately, I don't think a lot of people want to read about the 2 hours I lay in the pool followed by the eating of lunch and the 12 hours I spend sitting in front of the computer followed by the 10 hours spent lying in my bed in a coma. That sounds like it could possibly win an award for Most Boring Blog in the History of Blogs, but that's not really what I'm going for. Although maybe I should just stick to what I know.

Well anyway, I'm going out now and lie in the pool for an hour or two and really do some in-depth thinking about how to make this the Most Fantastic Blog in at Least the Last 15 Minutes. Any tips, leave 'em in the comments. I love me some comments.

A light at the end of the tunnel

So, some changes have been going on around here, and some more changes are to come. The biggest change lately has been that I no longer want to kill myself. I spent a good deal of time after graduating from college completely miserable with life. I went through a painful break-up, and I couldn't find a job. I subbed for a year, and then I found a permanent sub job.

At my new job, I made several friends and one person who basically turned my world upside down. I'm pretty sure I fell in love. And then...it was over. And I was still left twisting in the wind of the tornado that ripped through my whole existence. I really wanted to die all the time. I used to punch myself as hard as I could in the leg, just because I was so angry and frustrated.

Finally, I decided, something has got to change, and I made a doctor's appointment asked someone else to make a doctor's appointment for me because I'm scared of the phone. Anyway, I went to the doctor. He asked me if I cried a lot. Pretty much every day I cried. He asked me if I was "bitchy" lol. To put it lightly. After a few more questions, we decided I was pretty depressed and probably needed some medicine.

That was 2 months ago, and I'm feeling much better. My world is still pretty confusing, but I don't hit myself anymore, and I don't want to die all the time. I'm still pretty sad that things didn't go as I'd hoped with that special person, but I'm dealing. I can use the phone now and actually have made more phone calls in the past month than I have in probably the last 5 years. It's very freeing, and I wonder what took me so long to seek help.

I encourage all of you out there to stop waiting, if you're feeling depressed, like you're worthless or whatever, go talk to a doctor. You might not need medication, you might just need someone to talk to, but don't just sit around being miserable. It's not worth it.

In other news, I am officially unemployed again, for reasons I don't know and don't care to find out, so I will be subbing around again. I'm looking forward to seeing some of my old friends from student teaching and getting my face out there to other districts. I'm heartbroken that I won't get to see all the people I got to know last year, and I won't get to follow the same kids, but in reality, it wasn't the best thing for me to be doing, and it's going to be ok.

I'll also be going back to school in the fall, to get a special education degree. There's actually a shortage of those, as opposed to the teeming barrel of early education teachers around here, so I might have a better shot at a job when I'm through. So that's encouraging. Still have a few weeks until subbing starts, over a month before mine will begin again, and I'm trying to fill that time with sun, drinks, and whatever fun I can get into. Wish me luck.

Is it ironic?

To consider committing a crime in order to pay for all the background checks necessary to obtain teacher licensure?

A glass (or four) of wine and some reflection

So I'm sitting here drinking my homemade sangria and thinking about my day. On the whole, it was a good day. I went out to lunch at a local winery, did a wine tasting, had some wine, ate some lunch, had some more wine, ate a bunch of breadsticks dipped in herbs and oil, and...did I mention the wine? Pretty much any day with wine is a good day. Anyways, after the wine, I mean lunch, I played 18 holes of golf at a beautiful course and had a good time.

Until, I got.....the phone call. THE call I've been waiting for/dreading for a while now. The call from my (ex) boss, who said, "P.S. we're not having you back this year. But....I'm not going to tell you why right now, if you want to know why, you can go ahead and come in to the office tomorrow or sometime this week and I'll tell you face to face. And have a nice life, hope your house burns down and all your valuables perish, love xoxo, Not Your Boss Anymore."

Anyway, so I was on about the 4th hole of golf, which is coincidentally right about the time my game went down to the local bar and started chugging everything in sight, and spent the rest of the round hugging the toilet and praying for a swift end. Anyway, so I stopped keeping score. And I threw a club, and I pounded the ground, and I was sad.

And now I'm having some more wine, and I've decided that while it sucks big time, and "whatever!! their loss!!", and I did say a few choice words to the phone after I hit end call, and I really am going to miss some of the people there, even after all this, I think maybe it will be o.k.

Maybe I will just go back to school and do something else and party it up like it's 1999 and work when I want to and not work when I don't and turn around and show that ex boss who's really boss. In her dumb air conditioned office.

A day in the life...

So, my life is very boring. I think it's why I have nothing to write about. I don't have friends, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a job, I don't have kids, I don't have any meaningful hobbies, I don't volunteer, and I don't get together with my family. I don't do anything.

Many times, I'll get ready for bed and realize that I have done absolutely nothing of value all day. I didn't wash the dishes, I didn't clean my room, I din't do the laundry, I forget if I fed the cat, I didn't throw out all the trash accumulating on my desk, I didn't pick up my shoes, I didn't vacuum out the pool, I didn't look for a job, I didn't call a friend, I didn't make that appointment, I didn't go outside, I didn't update a website, I wasn't nice to my brother, I missed the eclipse, I didn't make a healthy lunch, I didn't go to the bank, I didn't return my library books.

This summer, I have not: gone on a trip, washed my car, made any friends, gotten a job, read a book, or maintained a relationship.

This summer, I have managed to: alienate most of the people I want to be friends with, treated a least two guys like dirt, felt sorry for myself, laid around, drank too much, sat in front of the computer way too much, gotten really tan, and played golf.

Soon, the summer will be over. I'm going to be going back to school in the fall since I am apparently completely incapable of getting a job with the degree I have, and I certainly hope no one asks me what I did this summer.

I did...nothing.

All I ever do is nothing. I like nothing. I like not having friends. I like not having to call anyone or not having to worry about anyone but me, because worrying about me takes up the majority of my time. On the other hand, I want friends and I want someone to love so badly that I literally have pain in my chest where my heart should be. I wish I knew how to do it. I don't know how to be a friend, no matter how hard I try, I always end up ruining it. Is there some kind of sad, pathetic kindergarten for adults where people who are socially hopeless can go and learn how to play nice with people and keep a friend around for a while? I really, really need it.