As many of you have undoubtedly heard from me countless times, I have a tiny, black, icy heart. Because I was bored today while painting at granny's for approx. 126 years, I decided the best way to show you all the relative size of my tiny, black, icy, dead heart is to compare it with other hearts of the world. So here is my heart-o-graph, in the interest of heart science and whatnot.
Ghandi, who wants you to be the change you seek in the world, and
nuns, especially flying or singing ones.
Then you have your more run of the mill hearts, like:
Angelina Jolie, she adopts all those kids and gives away all that money, plus she and Brad are so damn hot it's like a gift to the rest of humanity that we get to see their mugs everytime we turn around.
Andrew Carnegie, he also gave lots of money and he wrote a very interesting book that taught all kinds of hapless social outcasts how to get people to like them and that's pretty nice.
Oprah Winfrey. Have you seen the way people react when she just says the words, "Favorite Things?" And plus she gives away all kinds of crap and started a school in Africa and she's an inspiration to people and blah blah blah
There are more good hearts out there, like
Warren Buffet, rich guy who pretty much gives all his money away
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He was all like, "Let's Work This Civil Rights Thing Out, Man" and PEOPLE LISTENED
Princess Diana. Girlfriend was tired of people getting blown up by landmines and used her position to raise awareness about it. Also she raised two FINE looking sons who continued her philanthropic ways after she was gone.
Harriet Tubman. She saved all kinds of people from slavery, risking her own life countless times!
Carebears, especially this one with the big heart on it. Look at that bear. It has four hearts on it. Can you compete with that?
Glenda the Good Witch. She'd be rated higher if she'd just told Dorothy earlier about that whole magical ruby slippers thing instead of making her traipse around Oz forever hanging with misfits and mauling witches and then waiting until she'd missed the baloon and was all upset and then casually mentioning that she could have gone home any time just by tapping her feet together. charmie would have kicked Glenda right in her fairy butt if she'd faced scary flying monkeys and hosed down a perfectly innocent witch for no reason.
Louie the Lightning Bug, has surely saved countless Little Jimmys from flying their kites into power lines, Uncle Bills from putting that metal ladder up RIGHT NEXT to the power lines, and Shady Cousin Stanleys from electrocuting themselves while trying to strip the copper wiring from the children's home.
McGruff, the Crime Dog, who actively encourages you to bite people in the name of justice.
Smokey the Bear who KNOWS IT WAS YOU that was playing with matches and burned down the orphanage, and HE SAW YOU leaving your campfire smoldering while you drove away in search of an all-night convenience store which resulted in the desforesation of western Colorado. Smokey doesn't think you're very responsible in the area of fire saftey but wants you to know that he's going to go ahead and let you be the master of your own destiny. Only you can prevent forest fires. P.S. Smokey's staying at your place until he can get a new forest to live in, cool bro? You got like, any chips or anything?
That crying Indian wants you to know that while he enjoys the unique mesquite that your discarded batteries and pop cans give the salmon in the river that he depends on to feed his family, he'd appreciate it if you'd go ahead and use one of those fancy modern GARBAGE CANS YOU IGNORANT TOOL.
Santa Claus. You know he didn't bring you that chemistry set you wanted in 1976, but you probably would have burned a hole in the floor with it anyway. You did get a nice BB gun with which you shot out your eye and then you got a fancy glass one which all the chicks totally dug in junior high. Go Santa.
Grandma. She gives you presents and bakes you cookies and makes you chicken noodle soup every day after school and you watch Unsolved Mysteries and Golden Girls together. Occasionally she scolds you for using unladylike language and for your terrible posture and for being a crackwhore.
Jim Tressel, beloved coach and boyfriend of me who has OWNED PNWED and otherwise BEATEN HANDILY those chodes from up north ever since he set foot on the field.
Ok, so all good people, huh? Let's keep going, we're not to me yet:
BILLY MAYS WOULD SHOUT TO YOU ABOUT SELLING HIS OWN GRANDMOTHER FOR THE INCREDIBLE PRICE OF $19.95!! AND YOU WILL RECEIVE A FULL SIZE BUCKET OF OXYCLEAN IN ORDER TO REMOVE THE OLD LADY SMELL
The Grinch who stole Christmas. His heart was only 3 sizes too small. Of course he did relent and was swayed by the innocent, doe-eyed Whos BUT THIS HOMEY AIN'T FALLIN FOR THAT JAZZ
Eric Cartman thinks your mother is so fat, she rolled over and it was a new day.
Katie. Stopping just short of puppy genocide in the name of hideous fashion, here is where my tiny black heart lies. I would like to steal all your Christmas presents and keep them all for myself. And I won't be giving them back like that waffle the Grinch, either. This heart is 12 sizes too small and it's staying that way.
Cruella DeVille, puppy murderer and poster child for not dying your own hair with a kit bought in the clearance section of Walgreen's.
Scar from the Lion King, brother murderer and mental manipulator of cute little Jonathan Taylor-Thomas voiced Simba
OJ. Have you seen his "acting" in Airplane!? An abomination!
-25 Murderers and people who mess with kids and all that
-57 People like Hitler, etc. etc.
-150 You know, like Satan and stuff
There you have it, a complete heart o graph. I hope you understand now why I shoved your aunt down those stairs and why I gave your young child a drum set with cymbals for his last birthday. I can't help it!