Friday, August 8, 2008

A light at the end of the tunnel

So, some changes have been going on around here, and some more changes are to come. The biggest change lately has been that I no longer want to kill myself. I spent a good deal of time after graduating from college completely miserable with life. I went through a painful break-up, and I couldn't find a job. I subbed for a year, and then I found a permanent sub job.

At my new job, I made several friends and one person who basically turned my world upside down. I'm pretty sure I fell in love. And was over. And I was still left twisting in the wind of the tornado that ripped through my whole existence. I really wanted to die all the time. I used to punch myself as hard as I could in the leg, just because I was so angry and frustrated.

Finally, I decided, something has got to change, and I made a doctor's appointment asked someone else to make a doctor's appointment for me because I'm scared of the phone. Anyway, I went to the doctor. He asked me if I cried a lot. Pretty much every day I cried. He asked me if I was "bitchy" lol. To put it lightly. After a few more questions, we decided I was pretty depressed and probably needed some medicine.

That was 2 months ago, and I'm feeling much better. My world is still pretty confusing, but I don't hit myself anymore, and I don't want to die all the time. I'm still pretty sad that things didn't go as I'd hoped with that special person, but I'm dealing. I can use the phone now and actually have made more phone calls in the past month than I have in probably the last 5 years. It's very freeing, and I wonder what took me so long to seek help.

I encourage all of you out there to stop waiting, if you're feeling depressed, like you're worthless or whatever, go talk to a doctor. You might not need medication, you might just need someone to talk to, but don't just sit around being miserable. It's not worth it.

In other news, I am officially unemployed again, for reasons I don't know and don't care to find out, so I will be subbing around again. I'm looking forward to seeing some of my old friends from student teaching and getting my face out there to other districts. I'm heartbroken that I won't get to see all the people I got to know last year, and I won't get to follow the same kids, but in reality, it wasn't the best thing for me to be doing, and it's going to be ok.

I'll also be going back to school in the fall, to get a special education degree. There's actually a shortage of those, as opposed to the teeming barrel of early education teachers around here, so I might have a better shot at a job when I'm through. So that's encouraging. Still have a few weeks until subbing starts, over a month before mine will begin again, and I'm trying to fill that time with sun, drinks, and whatever fun I can get into. Wish me luck.